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confused

.Being confused is not a strange feeling for me, most of my life I haven’t been sure of what was going on, my bad, I made of my self a supporter character in my own life. This year it seemed that things will change, that I’ll start to live, I would stop hiding from everyone and everything, and it did, partially, now I’m scared again, blocked.

When I heard my girl friends stories about boys and failed relationships, broken hearts, etc, I thought that it would never happen to me, like, I was too smart and too apathetic to even get too drawn to someone, but as expected, I was wrong. I’m someone who is easily affected by my loved ones actions, I care too much, and sadly, I realised this because of someone who managed to get to my insides and hurt me.

I must be honest, it hurted me, it hurts; he fooled me and even tho I know something didn’t feel good, I just ignored it, I wanted to believe that things were going to be okay, that he did want me, I fooled myself.

It’s funny, you know? How could I not hate someone who manipulate me (emotionally)and who lied and cheated on me?, Well, I don’t know, sometimes (I’ll have to admit) I miss him; he brought great joy to my life, he gave me confidence, he made me feel warm… It was the first time that I ever catch those feelings for somebody, that I ever let somebody get that close, and, fuck, I’m grateful, so fucking grateful with that dickhead, but I don’t want to see him anymore.

At the end I found this funny, ridiculous, but I had rage, and now I’m spitting it out, in the wisest way I could find, contemplating it after not thinking about it for some weeks, calmly, all I know is that I’ll grow from this event, it won’t water me down, I’ll try to give the best from myself, I’ll no longer hide.

PD: fuck you for making my troubled state of mind shudder.

Jan 07, 2020

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